Healing Grief and Traumatic Loss

Nothing in life compares to the loss of a loved one. Fortunately, with the right tools and support, you can heal grief and traumatic loss.

Grief is a normal and natural response to a significant loss. Everyone processes grief at their own pace and in their own way. An important goal of grief therapy is to keep the grieving process on track. The terrain and obstacles that may be encounter while processing grief are discussed here; as well as ways to support healthy and effective grief processing.

Painful Emotions
There are often a wide range of painful emotions that surface in reaction to both the loss of - and absence of - a loved one. If any of these emotions go unacknowledged or unexpressed, they can block the resolution of the grieving process. Some of these emotions include:

• Loneliness and emptiness
• Shock, disbelief, and numbness
• Depression and hopelessness
• Anxiety and irritability
• Helplessness, powerlessness, and distress
• Shame and worthlessness

Sadness
The emotion that is most central to the grieving process is sadness. Sadness comes from the loss of the bond, the connection, and the love that you shared with the person that you lost. It also comes from the loss of the hopes, dreams, and future you envisioned with your loved one. A comment such as, “I feel like a part of me is gone now” speaks to this loss of connection. Ultimately, sadness is what lies at grief’s core and processing it is key to resolving grief.

Guilt
Guilt often surfaces when there is a loss and guilt can become an obstacle to the grieving process in a number of ways. For example, guilt can block the positive memories of your deceased loved one. You could have countless positive shared experiences with your lost loved one, but one or more strong guilt inducing experiences can overshadow the good memories. Guilt can also surface if you feel responsible for the death of someone or you regret how you treated a loved one before they died. Statements that speak to this experience include:

• I wish I spent more time with my grandpa before he died.
• I regret not doing more to help my mom when she was ill.
• I wish I could have forgiven my dad when he was alive.

Anger
Anger is another emotion that is common with loss and it too can create a barrier to processing grief. Anger can be present for a variety of reasons. When we lose something important, it's natural to feel angry. Anger can also arise in situations where there’s blame of others for the loss. Anger might get directed at the deceased if you feel abandoned by them; at medical staff or the healthcare system; or at life, God, others, or the rest of the world.

Difficult relationships
In the case of a difficult relationship with a deceased loved one, anger is common, especially if you were mistreated, abused, or neglected by the person who died. If the person you lost was a caregiver, many painful emotions (e.g., hurt, sadness, anger, and shame) can arise if certain needs (love, nurture, empathy, guidance, compassion, safety, etc.) never got met and now will never get met. For example, if your parent was typically unsupportive and distant, the pain of their death may be compounded by the fact that your need to feel loved and supported by them can never be realized now that they are gone.

Unresolved Grief
In some cases, grief has been unaddressed for a long time; sometimes twenty, thirty, or more years. Decades ago, people commonly had little to no support for their grieving process. Often, they were taught to ignore their grief. But their grief never went away; rather, it got buried alive and lived on underground, often fueling painful emotions. In result, those who suffered a loss in childhood, or long ago, may experience unexplained sadness, loneliness, guilt and anger; sometimes without realizing how connected it is to their unresolved grief.

Secondary Losses
The death of a loved one is considered a “primary loss” and it brings with it many significant “secondary losses.” Examples may include the loss of:

• Friendship and your support system
• Intimacy and affection
• Identity and self-confidence
• Income and/or financial security
• Dreams and future plans

Traumatic Loss
In some situations, a loss can be traumatic. Actually, any loss can be a traumatic experience, but some situations may be more traumatic than others. Typically, the more sudden and unexpected the death, the more traumatic it can be for you. Other conditions that tend to lead to traumatic responses may include situations where:

• A loved one’s death was violent
• The deceased experienced bodily damage or some type of suffering
• A child or younger person died
• The death was unjust or preventable
• Your own life was threatened when the death of a loved one occurred

Symptoms of traumatic loss may include unpleasant intrusive thoughts about the death; negative images of the deceased; feelings of powerlessness, helplessness, and vulnerability; avoidance and numbing; problems with sleep, concentration, irritability, and/or physical symptoms. In cases of traumatic loss, the traumatic experience can block the grieving process and thus might need to be addressed prior to healing the loss.

Fortunately, there are therapy modalities that are very effective for processing the painful emotions and trauma connected to your loss.

The Role of EMDR in Grief Processing
I use a combination of the Standard EMDR Protocol and an EMDR-related protocol called Repair & Reattachment Grief Therapy to address grief and traumatic loss. EMDR is an evidence based therapy that is well known for its effectiveness with reprocessing painful emotions and traumatic material. What we also find with EMDR grief processing is that it has a tendency to naturally draw forward positive memories of deceased loved ones, which is a real asset for the grieving process. The ability to remember your deceased loved one with positive emotion allows grief to process more smoothly and helps with the overall bereavement process.

Maintaining a Bond
Traditional approaches to grief therapy emphasized letting go of the connection with your deceased loved one and shifting attention to developing new relationships and interests. However, more currently, the therapeutic benefit of maintaining an adaptive bond with your loved one has been identified as highly supportive to the healing process. Both EMDR and Repair & Reattachment Grief Therapy can help to support this bond. This way, the bond with your loved one is not completely lost, but rather transformed.

Positive Emotions
When a difficult loss occurs, painful feelings can block the positive emotions that are associated with the deceased loved one. Commonly, people who are grieving believe that if they let go of the pain, they’ll lose the memories of their loved one. But as grief lifts, positive memories from the relationship typically surface with more ease. This allows the deceased loved one to become an internal resource - a source of love, connection, motivation, inspiration, and wisdom. Examples of statements that speak to this includes:

• I’ll always feel my mom’s love.
• I know my dad is proud of me… he was always supportive.
• I can hear my grandpa’s voice saying “You can do it.”

Positive Qualities
Even if you had a challenging relationship with your lost loved one, with EMDR it’s not uncommon for people to connect to the most positive qualities of their deceased loved ones. People often spontaneously say things such as, “Even though my dad had his own problems, he was always there for me” or “Although my mom could be critical at times, I always knew she really loved me.”

EMDR Case Example
I worked with a woman in the past who lost her father to suicide. She experienced guilt, shame, sadness, confusion, and anger. During EMDR reprocessing, she got in touch with and processed these painful emotions. After these emotions cleared, she naturally connected to many positive aspects that existed in their relationship, including love, care, warmth, and support. She also connected to many memories of positive experiences that she and her father had enjoyed together in the past. This woman had lost touch with the positive aspects of their relationship because the pain, hurt, anger, sadness, and other uncomfortable emotions from the death were so overwhelming. When the pain processed, it naturally opened up space for the positive aspects of the relationship to come into awareness and be experienced.

Factors that Influence Grief Processing
It’s natural to be curious about how long it will take to heal from your loss. The simple answer is that everyone’s grief is unique and everyone goes at their own pace. But some of the factors that can influence your grief process include:

• The nature of your relationship to the person (or pet) who died
• Circumstances of the death
• Cause of the death (e.g., sudden, expected, violent, traumatic)
• The age you were when your loved one died (e.g., childhood, adulthood)
• The age of your loved one when they passed (e.g., child, adult, elderly)
• Your history of loss (especially ungrieved losses)
• Your support system, self-care, and coping skills

My Approach to Grief Therapy – Four Key Steps
Everyone’s situation and healing process is different. Based on what’s needed, I apply different tools and skills with each person; however, my approach to grief therapy can generally be summarized in four steps:

1. Help you to feel supported and understood with your grieving process.
2. Work toward removing any barriers to a natural and healthy grieving process. This typically includes processing painful emotions and any trauma associated with experiencing the loss.
3. Facilitate connection to positive memories of your deceased loved one.
4. Support the adjustment to life without your loved one (the bereavement process).

Losing someone important – spouse, friend, family member, pet – can be extremely difficult. Fortunately, EMDR and Repair & Reattachment Grief Therapy can be utilized for grief and traumatic loss that has occurred recently or long ago. Both of these therapies support a healthy grieving process and a healthy connection with your deceased loved one. Please contact me if you have any questions about therapy for grief and traumatic loss or about EMDR or Repair & Reattachment Grief Therapy.